i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
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