I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
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My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
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Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
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