Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
