So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
Randomize
