I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
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