Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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