what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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