he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Randomize
