i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Randomize
