Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
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I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
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its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
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