Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
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