Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Randomize
