Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
