Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
