He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
