Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
