About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
