So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Randomize
