I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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