I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
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