I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
Randomize
