I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
