So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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