It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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