I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
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