I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
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