Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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