hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
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