apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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