We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
