Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
We talked him into tasing himself.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Randomize
