3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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