Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Randomize
