he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
