you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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