How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
is wine microwaveable?
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
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