wakey wakey hands off snakey
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Randomize
