ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
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