ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Randomize
