just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
