Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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