i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
