I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
