The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
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