The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Randomize
