she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Randomize
