My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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