I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Even the bartender felt bad for me
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
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