BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Randomize
