oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
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you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
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I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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