I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
