I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
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He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
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Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
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