My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
