I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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