Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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