How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Randomize
