I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
You took a bar mat shot.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Randomize
